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Número 24 - Junio de 2011   

Rincón apócrifo
Memoria de mis burras tristes.
Fernando Mora Meléndez. Ilustraciones X10

Para algunos detractores, el realismo mágico es una enfermedad tropical tan contagiosa como poco estudiada. Se dice que basta leer una página de El Amor en los tiempos del Cólera para adquirir el virus. En algunos escritores no se manifiesta, aunque “el tintineo de sus metáforas los delata”. No falta quién ensaye día y noche queriendo igualarse al genio de Aracataca. La idea de imitar a otros autores es tan vieja como los evangelios apócrifos. Hubo plumas, como Avellaneda, que se atrevieron a tanto como escribir la segunda parte del Quijote antes que Cervantes. En honor a este divertimento, llamado pastiche, abrimos una sección que ojalá peleche más que la piratería: el rincón apócrifo. ¡Y que viva Gabo!

 
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Era inevitable. La tarde en que Pilar Ternera me dejó plantado, de punta en blanco, con el cuento peregrino de la regla, tuve que regresar a mi cuarto a aliviar por mano propia y en soliloquio los reclamos inclementes de la pinga. En las primeras de Cambio, no encontré a mi alcance ninguna deidad en cueros que inspirara mis caricias y necesité quince minutos con sus segundos para darme cuenta que la mía sería una paja franciscana.

Me eché en mi jergón de perro, obnubilado por el ardor ahumado de Ternera que se filtraba por los resquicios de las paredes. Repetí esa palabra como un conjuro para entrar en calor. Pero al decir Ternera por tercera vez sin que surtiera efecto, decidí cambiarlo por su nombre de pila: Pilar, menos largo y más romántico. Tuve que cerrar los ojos para imaginarla como Dios la trajo al mundo, sin bicicleta, pero con un par de tetas. Las mismas que no pude sopesar porque ese mismo día mi abuelo había prometido llevarme a ver el hielo. Desde entonces, los encuentros con ella se enfriaron sin remedio. Me lo hizo saber, además, con una frase premonitoria y con ese tono de gitana asmática: “Como no me paraste bolas el día que nos convenía, ahora vas a ver como te sale un pelo de marrano en la palma de la mano”. La frase hizo estragos en el momento soberano de deslizar la palma por los entresijos de mis calzoncillos. Me detuve, atormentado con la idea de que si pensaba en ella, sólo iba a conseguir que mi pájaro cerrara su único ojo somnoliento y no habría poder humano que lo levantara de su siesta de mal agüero.

Hice un esfuerzo sobrenatural por continuar con mi consuelo de Onán. Para concentrarme, trate de disipar los aromas condimentados de la carne de Ternera, y dejar que el pulso firme e inspirado se valiera de otros recursos menos llaneros y más caribeños. Me asaltó la imagen del último desfile de diosas coronadas por Raimundo y todo el mundo. Ante este mal de vereda, hasta una tercera princesa me sacaría de apuros. Busqué entre los cajones repletos de remedios y papeles el ejemplar de la revista y tardé sólo cinco minutos para lanzar dos conjeturas. O bien se la había regalado a Plinio, que la quería conservar porque estaba retratado a mi lado en las páginas sociales; o bien la había tirado a la basura después de perder la paciencia con un crucigrama endiablado. Sin la ayuda fotográfica a la vista, acudí al salvavidas del recuerdo. Imaginé los cuerpos de las candidatas en traje de baño, sin dejar a un lado ni a la señorita Vichada. Pero el deseo salió espantado de mi catre ante la sola idea de tocar una teta sintética. Sobre todo ahora en el año de mis noventa, cuando acataba el consejo de mi Sabio Catalán de sólo consumir lo natural.

Ya empezaba a resignarme a la falta de inspiración, cuando en un trance de memoria involuntaria se me apareció como una revelación mi burra de adolescencia. Estaba allí, amarrada a un tronco de guayacán sietemesino. Tenía las grupas suaves y la mirada impúdica de su estirpe. Me subí en el taburete de los iniciados para poder alcanzar sus belfos traseros, húmedos y a la espera. Me sentía tan feliz, que la besaba en la cola y ella me correspondía con un remolino de succiones. La equina no decía ni mú y aún así me dictaba las primeras vocales del amor. La amé hasta la empuñadura, mientras aspiraba su vaho espeso y su olor a cuido silvestre y a melaza. Ante el desenlace feliz sentí deslizar mis manos por sus grupas sedosas que pronto descubrí: eran una almohada. Cuando volví en mí tuve la cítrica certeza de que una burra de pura paja no podía exorcizar a la Pilar Ternera de carne y hueso. Pero en vez de suicidarme con aceite de ricino, acudí a las palabras del Sabio: “las mujeres, a diferencia de las burras, te lo dan cuando ellas quieren, pero no cuando tú lo necesitas”.

Muchos días después, frente al pelotón de Fidel, habría de mirar la palma de mi mano donde empezaba a brotarme la cerda de marrano, y me preguntaría por vez primera si los pajizos del mundo volveríamos a tener una segunda oportunidad sobre la estera. UC

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